Research says these 4 things give life meaning—and life transitions rearrange which ones are most important to you.
I’m Hailey, and I’m I help people outgrowing identities built on approval, achievement, and others’ expectations step into a more vital and self-trusting life. You can subscribe to my newsletter and get my articles delivered directly to your inbox here.
When we’re outgrowing old identities, the question of what makes life truly meaningful tends to arise a lot—with good reason.
The old infrastructures of our lives are collapsing. Our relationships, careers, or belief systems—the places we once found a steady sense of meaning—are in flux. And as a result, we might feel existentially lost.
When I went through a major burnout after years of over-work, I began to question my lifelong attempts to find meaning through achievement. And when I experienced a devastating betrayal after years of deep love, I became skeptical about how much meaning I’d sought through partnership.
Both times, my old guiding lights—the things I’d made central to my time, heart, and identity—went out.
I felt like I was stumbling through the dark without a North Star. I had no idea that my sense of lostness was a pivotal part of the transition process.
Research shows that real, lasting meaning comes from only four places—and during times of transition, we tend to shift which of the four matters most to us.
In this article, we’ll unpack the four sources of meaning. We’ll explore how periods of transition can be unexpected portals to what matters most; help you find clarity about not just what you’re outgrowing, but what you’re moving towards; and share 15 journaling prompts to connect with deeper meaning during periods of change.
The Four Pillars of Meaning
In The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness, Emily Esfahani Smith distills research from psychologists, sociologists, and neuroscientists into the Four Pillars of Meaning: the four places from which humans across cultures get the deepest sense of fulfillment.
The Four Pillars of Meaning are:
Belonging: You’re in relationships with others that are based on both mutual care and frequent positive interactions.
Purpose: You have a stable, far-reaching goal that involves making some sort of contribution to others or the world.
Transcendence: You have moments of awe where you experience a higher reality: where your sense of self drifts away, and you feel connected to all that exists.
Storytelling: You have an inner narrative of who you are and how you got that way that helps you make sense of yourself and the world.
Ultimately, the four pillars of meaning are characterized by “connecting, and contributing, to something beyond the self”: a community, a calling, an awe-inspiring mystery, and a story.
According to Smith, of the four, belonging consistently ranks highest in importance. But the absence of any one of these pillars can leave us feeling hollow.
WHICH OF THE FOUR PILLARS
MOST CALLS TO YOU
AT THIS MOMENT IN YOUR STORY?
DROP A COMMENT BELOW.
In my view, the question of what makes life meaningful is always interesting—but it’s particularly interesting at this moment in human history.
Historically, religion was the original meaning mecca. It offered all four pillars: awe, community, clear directives for how to live and contribute, and a cohesive narrative of how the world worked and why.
But in an increasingly secular society, most of us are fending for ourselves, attempting to cobble together these four elements on our own. As global politics unravel, religion steadily declines, and technology reshapes human connection, the question of what makes life meaningful feels more salient than ever.
If we don’t intentionally consider our own answer, we’re more likely to get swept along by cultural defaults—like striving, wealth, and approval-seeking—without checking them against our hearts. And for better or worse, periods of transition offer an unexpected opportunity to do just that.
Periods of Transition Are Portals to New Meaning
Big life changes destabilize the infrastructure of our lives; they put our relationships, careers, and habitual ways of relating and dreaming in flux. Bruce Feiler, author of Life is in the Transitions, writes that major life events “jolt people to reevaluate what weight they attribute” to each pillar of meaning:
“People may dial back their emphasis on purpose, ramp up their interest in belonging, pay more attention to transcendence for the first time, or sometimes re-weight all three—all in direct response to a dramatic change in their life.”
It’s a story we’ve heard hundreds of times. Think of the overworked lawyer who has a heart attack at 45, and chooses to get a lower-stress job to spend more time with family (a shift from purpose to belonging). Or the parent who prioritizes yoga and meditation after their only child moves away to college (a shift from belonging to transcendence).
These major events recalibrate what matters most to us. It’s not necessarily that our old sources of meaning were wrong or un-evolved—it’s that our world has changed, and so have we.
Once an old source of meaning no longer fits, letting it go can be slow work—and feeling into a new North Star can take even longer. When I went through my severe burnout, I shifted away from purpose-driven meaning… but it took nearly a year for me to feel clear about the fact that belonging-driven meaning was taking its place.
In an article about it, I wrote:
“I didn’t know what was next. I just knew I couldn’t go on like this. So as soon as my book came out, I used the advance to stay afloat as I minimized my public presence, kept a tiny roster of clients, and stepped back to discover who I was—what life was—beyond striving.
The following year felt like wandering through the wilderness, complete with messiness, uncertainty, and full-blown identity crisis.
I spent the first few months in acute burnout recovery, doing the bare minimum: sleeping, eating, tending to long-neglected doctor’s appointments. With nothing work-related to plan, the days blurred, and I felt like a shell of a person.
From the couch in my sweatpants, I opened Instagram to see my colleagues hustling harder, landing second book deals, and tripling their social media followings. I sat uncomfortably in the stillness—my heart racing, chest tight—thinking of all the momentum I was squandering.
Without success as my guiding light, I was like someone who had lost their faith, stumbling through the dark without a North Star.”
Being In-Between Meanings: The Meaning Vacuum
Bruce Feiler calls this lost period a meaning vacuum. He writes,
“This feeling of being directionless often happens in the wake of a major life change. I think of these moments as meaning vacuums, when the air is sucked out of our lives and the previous balance of tendencies that give us meaning is wiped clean.”
Being “in-between” meanings can feel excruciating. Disorienting. Uninspired. It can pass quickly, but more often, it takes a while to find clarity—and it’s common to feel frustrated about how long the process lasts. (If you’re in this boat, check out the comments on my recent reel. I promise, you’re in good company!) Others have described the experience like this:
“I was utterly lost. Navigating this new terrain baffled me. The map that once guided my career had become obsolete and I was clueless about how to draw a new one….” — Steve Schlafman, “The Journey Through Lostness”
“I had never known myself without a next thing…And there I was with no plan, no next step, no comeback or anything like that, and I couldn’t force myself to even conjure the idea of conjuring the next thing… What I had was a total loss of the plot of my life.” — Holly Whitaker, “The Fundamental Ambiguity of Being Human”
Feiler calls this period of lostness “the messy middle.” William Bridges, author of Transitions, calls it “the neutral zone.” And Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star, endearingly calls it “bug soup”—referencing the caterpillar who cocoons and turns to goo before emerging as a butterfly.
Regardless of our preferred terminology, it’s reassuring to know that even though meaning shifts feel disorienting and chaotic, they’re a known quantity with predictable phases—including this pivotal middle phase of lostness. Ultimately, this period of time loosens our grip on our old sense of self and opens space for new ways of being.
As for me, after my burnout, I eventually found my way to connection and community (belonging) as my new North Star. Through trial, error, and experimentation, my life grew rich as I tended to friendships and family, showed up for my communities, and joined volunteer efforts that wove me into the broader human story.
If we intentionally travel this in-between space attuned to the Four Pillars of Meaning, a new direction will inevitably rise from the rubble. Ultimately, transitions can be portals that, if followed with curiosity, lead to a new, fresh sense of meaning—one that accounts for the ways we’ve been shaped by the events of our lives, and beautifully suits the person we’re becoming.
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15 Journaling Prompts to Help You Root Down In Meaning
Here are a few questions to help you explore your relationship to the Four Pillars of Meaning. While these questions make a great fit for a journaling session or a chat with your coach or therapist, consider also exploring them in community, with a group of friends or loved ones.
👉 To explore these questions in a supportive community setting, join us in the Hustle to Heart Bookclub, where we’ll discuss The Power of Meaning at our first meeting.
3 Questions for Meaning
Imagine it’s the distant future and you’re on your deathbed, looking back at your life. What would your life need to have included in order for you to sigh happily and believe that you’d lived as meaningfully as you could?
Think of three powerful moments when you felt a deep sense of meaning and fulfillment. What was happening in those moments? In retrospect, which of the Four Pillars of Meaning were being honored?
During which moments in your daily life do you feel most disconnected from meaning? Or, said another way: which habit or activity in your life poses the greatest detractor or distraction from meaning? (Think: excessive phone use; working 12-hour days; hangovers from substance use). Consider one way you might reduce this obstacle for a greater felt sense of meaning in your daily life.
3 Questions for Belonging
Belonging: You’re in relationships with others that are based on both mutual care and frequent positive interactions.
What was the time in your life that you felt the greatest sense of belonging? Reflect on the external conditions and internal decisions that made that sense of belonging possible.
Right now, do you have any relationships or communities that could be fertile for greater belonging—if you made an intentional investment of time and energy?
Sometimes, we’re so hungry for belonging that we’ll seek it in places that don’t contain the two necessary ingredients: (1) mutual care and (2) frequent positive interactions. Are there any relationships or communities where you’re settling for imbalance, lack of reciprocity, or a prevailing emotional tone of negativity?
3 Questions for Purpose
Purpose: You have a stable, far-reaching goal that involves making some sort of contribution to others or the world.
Imagine you lived in a society where money didn’t matter: everyone earned the same, and each person got to contribute by doing what they loved most. How would you choose to contribute in this society?
On a scale from 1-10—1 being least, and 10 being most—to what extent does your current job (and the way you currently do your current job) make a positive contribution to others or the world?
Capitalism tells us that purpose comes from work tied to monetary gain—but it’s entirely possible for your purpose to have nothing to do with your labor. Some people find purpose in building community outside of work; in parenthood; in spirituality; or in being a good friend. Imagine you were prohibited from finding purpose in your work. Where would you choose to find it instead?
3 Questions for Transcendence
Transcendence: You have moments of awe where you experience a higher reality: where your sense of self drifts away, and you feel connected to all that exists.
Reflect on your most recent experience of transcendence. Be sure to write about what you felt and how it affected you.
Imagine you were 100 years old—but this morning, you woke up in this body, at your current age, with a second chance to live your life. How would you spend your day? What moments would you savor?
Consider a few experiences you’ve had of transcendence. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? Do you notice any patterns or through-lines?
3 Questions for Storytelling
Storytelling: You have an inner narrative of who you are and how you got that way that helps you make sense of yourself and the world.
If your life were a story, what would the overarching theme of the story be?
If you’re in the midst of a transition: What would you title the chapter that is ending? And what would you like the chapter that’s beginning to be titled?
Imagine your life was a story, and you were the hero. What is the biggest villain you’re coming up against right now? And what secret weapon do you have that will help you overcome the villain?
Other Articles In This Series:
👉 My Story: How I left a life that looked good on paper for a life that actually felt good.
Citations
Smith, Emily Esfahani. The power of meaning: Finding fulfillment in a world obsessed with happiness. New York: Broadway Books, 2017.
Baumeister, R. F., Vohs, K. D., Aaker, J. L., & Garbinsky, E. N. (2013). Some key differences between a happy life and a meaningful life. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8(6), 505–516. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2013.830764
Feiler, Bruce. Life is in the transitions: Mastering change at any age. New York: Penguin Books, 2021.