This is the difference between kindness and people-pleasing.
People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others’ needs, wants, or feelings at the expense of—and to the detriment of—our own needs, wants, or feelings.
It sounds simple—but some who chronically put others first are adamant that they’re not people-pleasing; they’re just being kind.
How can we determine where kindness ends and people-pleasing begins? A group of psychologists asked themselves the same question—and came to some surprising conclusions.
Altruism: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Citing Jesus, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., and Gandhi, some who put others first maintain that living an other-focused life can result in profound personal and societal change.
It’s not necessarily untrue—but not all altruism is alike. In 2016, a group of psychologists explored the “dark side” of altruism, dividing it into two subtypes: “healthy” and “pathological.”
Healthy altruism is “the ability to experience sustained and relatively conflict-free pleasure from contributing to the welfare of others.” Healthy altruists gratify their own needs while also taking steps to enhance others’ lives; they don’t sacrifice their own well-being in the process.
Meanwhile, pathological altruism—another phrase for “people-pleasing”—is “the willingness of a person to irrationally place another’s perceived needs above his or her own in a way that causes self-harm.” Pathological altruists often neglect themselves in pursuit of others’ wellbeing, and researchers have found that their actions are motivated by the intent of gaining others’ approval and avoiding rejection.
So what does this mean for us?
It’s About The Motivation, Not The Action
No behavior is exclusively people-pleasing or kindness. It’s all about the motivation behind the action. At their core, people-pleasing behaviors are motivated by:
Transactionality (“I’m giving you this so you will give me something”)
Obligation and guilt (“I’m doing this because I feel like I have to, and if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty”)
Compulsion (“I’m doing this because I have no idea how not to do this.”)
Loss-aversion (“I’m doing this in order not to lose you.”)
When we people-please, it’s because we feel like we can’t say no. We’re not making a noble choice informed by our values; we’re making a compulsive choice because we feel like we have to.
After making a show of this “kind” giving, we often return to the privacy of our most intimate relationships and express exhaustion, frustration, or resentment. We might even demonize those we gave to as “rude,” “self-centered,” or “taking advantage,” expecting that they would mind-read our invisible discomfort and act accordingly. As a result, we often end up feeling more disconnected from our beneficiaries than we did before we offered help.
Kindness, on the other hand, is typically motivated by:
Desire (“I really want to give this to you.”)
Goodwill (“I’m eager to increase your quality of life because I care about you.”)
Choice (“I don’t have to do this—I want to do this.”)
Abundance (“There’s enough to go around.”)
When we give out of kindness, it’s because we could say yes or no, and choose, of our own free will, to say yes. We aren’t necessarily expecting anything in return. When we show others genuine kindness, we aren’t acting transactionally or following a preprogrammed script. We’re autonomous agents making a choice that aligns with our values.
After giving to another person in this way, we often feel light and satisfied. We may be tired or sore, but alongside the exhaustion are typically feelings of happiness, goodwill, and connection. How we acted publicly aligned with how we felt privately.
Moving Into Kindness
Until we can comfortably set boundaries around our giving, we cannot claim to give out of kindness. Our “yes” doesn’t mean anything until we can also say “no.”
Notice your motivations when you participate in other-focused behavior. Be honest about what you stand to lose—and what you hope to gain. By developing this self-awareness, we can make a habit of giving to others only when it aligns with our own values, integrity, and capacity.
Are you new to boundary-setting and not sure where to begin? Get my on-demand workshop Boundaries 101 for the Recovering People-Pleaser, where you will learn how to reclaim your voice, step into your power, & begin setting confident boundaries in your relationships with family members, partners, and friends alike. Get it today and watch at your leisure here.