People-pleasers, we’ve got a control problem.
If you’re a people-pleaser, I’m going to guess that your relationship to control needs some tweaking. Specifically, it’s backwards: you probably expend too much energy trying to control other people, and too little energy taking responsibility for yourself.
Upon reading this, you might think: “Control other people?! Give me a break. I’m so kind to other people — a pushover, practically! I’m there for them when they need me, I listen when they’re bummed, and I make time for them even when I don’t have it. How is that controlling?”
It sounds counterintuitive at first. But take a moment to consider: Why are you doing these things? This over-helping, this shape-shifting? Why are you giving more than you have the capacity to give?
To get in their good graces? To be liked? To control their perception of you, instead of allowing them to have their own perception based on who you really are and what your real needs and limitations are?
Before I go any further, I’d like to acknowledge a few things.
First, I’m a recovering people-pleaser myself, so while this piece has a tough-love tone, it comes from a place of understanding and non-judgment. (Hell, I half wrote it for myself.)
Second, for many of us, people-pleasing (or fawning) is a trauma response. It’s a coping skill we learned in childhood to garner attention and love from distant, absent, or neglectful caregivers. Many of us learned, through our parents’ implicit or explicit directions, that we were only lovable—or would only be kept safe—if we assumed a false persona, one that was responsible and accommodating and good-spirited. We carry these subconscious assumptions into adulthood.
For many of us, people-pleasing is an outdating coping mechanism that no longer serves us. As adults, it takes a lot of self-reflection, intention, and practice to outgrow people-pleasing. It’s hard. But not only are we responsible for outgrowing it; our lives will be immeasurably richer when we do.
Third, and finally: This article and the examples offered therein applies to voluntary relationships; not actively abusive relationships, or relationships where a person relies on an individual or institution for their financial security. In such situations, people-pleasing may be, quite literally, a survival strategy.
(To learn how to release the illusion of control over others and take responsibility over your own boundaries and needs, check out my on-demand workshop Boundaries 101 for the Recovering People-Pleaser. Get it here.)
People-Pleasers’ Backwards Relationship With Control
So, back to my point. When you get down to it, we each have control over our own:
Actions
Boundaries
Who we enter relationships with
Who we spend our time with and how much time we spend with them
Who we communicate with and how often we communicate with them
We do not have control over:
Others’ actions
Others’ boundaries
Others’ reactions to our boundaries
Others’ emotions
Whether others choose to heal or grow
Others’ relationships
Others’ addictions or compulsions
Here’s the thing: If you’re a people-pleaser, you probably put a lot of effort into attempting to control the items on the second list. Odds are, you don’t do it maliciously; it’s simply second nature.
Perhaps you try to control others’ emotions by never expressing your hurt, discomfort, boundaries, or grievances. (Think of the times you’ve thought, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” or “I don’t want to make them uncomfortable.”) Or perhaps you always put on a happy and cheerful face regardless of how you’re really feeling. (Think of the times you’ve thought, “I don’t want to ruin the mood, or “Nobody wants to deal with someone who’s sad.”)
Perhaps you try to control whether others choose to heal by being constantly available for their endless venting or playing the role of their therapist—even when they demonstrate no intention to actually change their circumstances or work on their problems.
You might try to control their addictions by enabling their addictive behavior, saving them from the negative consequences of their actions, or attempting to convince them that they have an addiction when they’re unwilling to acknowledge it themselves.
Or perhaps you try to control others’ relationships by playing the role of peace-maker, middle-man, or moderator between your partner and their parent—or your sibling and your parent—or two friends in your friend group.
In each of the examples listed above, you are taking responsibility for something that’s not yours. You are shape-shifting in order to affect others’ emotions, perceptions, or actions.
Instead of allowing situations to unfold naturally, you grab the marionette strings and attempt to micromanage situations to achieve your desired outcome—even if the situation has nothing to do with you.
Not Taking Control Over Ourselves
There’s a flip-side to this, too. If you’re a people-pleaser, you might take very little responsibility for the items in the first list—even though these are the only things that are actually in your control.
You might neglect responsibility for your own needs by refusing to state them directly or refusing to prioritize them. You might expect others to mind-read your needs or to pick up on unspoken or passive aggressive cues.
You might neglect responsibility for your own actions by doing things others expect you to do instead of the things you want or need to do—or by over-committing to new activities despite having a packed schedule. Instead of changing your habits around this, you might complain resentfully, feeling bitter about all the ways other people “demand so much of you” or “have no respect for your time”—when the person truly disrespecting your time is you.
You might neglect responsibility for your own boundaries by silently stewing in resentment—or venting to a third party—when you feel taken advantage of, instead of advocating for yourself directly with the person in question. You might refuse to set boundaries because the idea of doing so is deeply uncomfortable—but when others don’t respect your (unspoken, hidden) boundaries, you might cut them out of your life instead of giving them the chance to hear, and respond to, what you need.
Finally, you might neglect responsibility for your own relationships by staying in relationships that are one-sided, imbalanced, unhealthy, or depleting, even though you’re unhappy and dissatisfied. You might complain about others’ emotional unavailability, selfishness, neglect, or addiction—without acknowledging that you are choosing to stay in this dissatisfying relationship.
When Our Relationship to Control is Backwards, We Feel Disempowered
When your relationship to control is backwards, you constantly feel like you’re the victim of others’ behavior. But instead of taking action to change your circumstances, you might broil in resentment and righteously fantasize about how others “should be treating you differently.”
Unfortunately, these indignant fantasies don’t lead anywhere, because wishing someone would change doesn’t make it so.
Every Friday, I host a Q&A on my Instagram page. I get hundreds of questions like this:
“My friend keeps disrespecting the boundaries I set. How can I make her take them seriously?”
“My boyfriend keeps treating me badly. I tell him I don’t like it, but he continues to do it anyway. How can I make him stop?”
“My wife has a drinking problem. She insists she’s going to get help but never does. Help???”
In each of these cases, the answer is implicit in the question. People are asking: “How do I change other people?” The answer is: “You can’t.”
You can’t make someone respect your boundaries. You can’t make your boyfriend treat you more kindly. You can’t make your wife want to seek treatment for her unacknowledged alcohol abuse.
…But, odds are, you’ve tried. You’ve been attempting to control the things you can’t if you’ve ever found yourself:
Begging a partner to stay together, even though they want to break up and aren’t willing to work on your relationship
Resentfully stating your boundary for the 9th time when the 8th time didn’t stick
Blaming your partner for not meeting your needs, even though you’ve told them your needs repeatedly and they’ve repeatedly demonstrated to you that they will not meet them
Threatening to leave your partner if they keep drinking, even though you’ve made the same threat in the past and never followed through
Trying to control others in these ways is problematic for a number of reasons.
First, it’s infantilizing. These tactics assume that the other person simply didn’t understand the first eight times you set the boundary, or didn’t understand when you (repeatedly) communicated your needs. But these people are adults, y’all. It’s not that they didn’t understand—they’ve simply made a choice, and it’s not a choice you like. They’ve chosen their needs/preferences/limitations over your needs/preferences/limitations.
Second, it’s wishful thinking. You’ve probably heard the quote "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." When we restate our needs for the eighth time, or get in the same old fight over how our partner treats us, we’re doing the same thing and expecting a different result. We desperately hope that this is the time they change, so we’re willing to overlook the obvious fact that… they’re not changing.
Finally, these tactics separate you from your true power. In each of the examples above, you do have control: over whether you choose to stay in these relationships, or continue to invest your energy in people that can’t meet your needs. That’s where your power lies. But the fear of leaving a relationship and facing the subsequent loneliness might be keeping you stuck.
At the end of the day, you are the only person on earth whose responsibility it is to meet your need and state your boundaries. Nobody else is responsible for doing this for you. Instead of outsourcing these responsibilities to others, imagine how empowering it would feel to know that you can trust yourself to advocate for yourself?
Righting Our Relationship To Control
In order to correct our relationship to control, we have to assume responsibility for our own needs, actions, boundaries, and relationships, and release the illusion of control over others’. Here are two case studies that put this into practice:
Case Study #1: Unpleasant Conversations
Let’s imagine that your mother is devoutly religious. You’ve identified as an atheist since you were 16. Every time you speak on the phone, your mother comments how disappointed she is that you don’t attend church—and rattles off the many ways you’re living sinfully.
You find this infuriating. What’s in your control?
First, you might take control over your needs by saying: “Mom, I know religion is important to you, but I feel frustrated when you continue to talk with me about your beliefs when you know I disagree. I can’t continue to listen when you talk to me this way.”
Your mother doesn’t like this. She hangs up quickly in a huff.
The next time you speak with her on the phone, she’s right back where she started: Bemoaning your absence at church and critiquing your lifestyle.
As I discuss in my Boundaries 101 for the Recovering People-Pleaser workshop, when someone doesn’t abide by our boundaries, our options are actually quite limited. We can’t control how others respond to our boundaries; we can only control how we respond to their response.
In this case, if you continue to stay on the phone with your mother, you are disrespecting your own boundary that you can’t continue to listen when she speaks to you this way.
Here, you might take control over your boundaries by reasserting: “Mom, I’ve told you I can’t listen when you speak to me this way. I’m going to hang up now.”
And then you hang up the phone.
Things might proceed this way for a while. You can engage with your mother when she respects your boundary, but when she veers into critical talk, you remove yourself from her presence.
This is taking personal responsibility for your own needs and boundaries, and utilizing the things that are actually in your control to create well-being for yourself.
Case Study #2: The Deteriorating Relationship
You’ve been in a relationship for about a year. The first six months were great. The last six months, your partner has been withdrawn, temperamental, and uninterested.
You’ve explained to them how their distance makes you feel, and you’ve asked for what you need: more attention, more get togethers, and physical affection.
Every time you’ve expressed this need, they’ve shown up for a few days—but shortly after, you end up in the same old pattern.
What’s in your control?
You’ve already stated your needs multiple times. You know that this relationship is not satisfying in its current form, and you’ve done everything that’s in your control to change it. The only thing that could change your satisfaction is your partner changing their behavior—and this is something that is not in your control.
From here, what’s in your control is whether you choose to stay in a relationship with a person who has demonstrated, repeatedly over time, that they cannot meet your needs.
The choice is yours. And it is your choice. (For more on this topic, check out my “How I Stopped Trying to Control My Partner and Took Responsibility for My Own Happiness.”)
The Hidden Freedom of Surrendering Control
At first, the idea of surrendering control over other people might feel terrifying. But the truth is, you never had control over other people. You just thought you did. All you’re really surrendering is the illusion of control, and the many heartaches and dead-ends that that illusion entails.
Ultimately, as you can see, the hardest part of releasing the illusion of control over others is being willing to let relationships go. This is the pinnacle, the crux of it all. Most of us have spent far too long holding on to dissatisfying relationships, fruitlessly wishing that others would change simply because we deeply wanted them to.
It might feel scary to realize that surrendering the illusion of control is synonymous with releasing relationships we’ve clung to for so long. But by leaving these dissatisfying connections, we open up space for new connections to form: connections with individuals who have the capacity to respect our boundaries and meet our needs.
Surrendering the illusion of control over others is how we step into our true power. It’s the key to breaking the people-pleasing pattern— the key to feeling like our lives belong to us.
We assume personal responsibility for the things we’ve been neglecting.
We drop the frayed marionette strings we’ve tugged around for ages.
We stop making the same choices and expecting different results.
We stop giving our power away.
My book Stop People-Pleasing and Find Your Power walks you step-by-step through the process of releasing control over others and taking empowered responsibility for yourself. Order it here today.